“A Service of Remembrance Candle Lighting Ceremony” recently brought together 1,100 family members with 132 loved ones who died during 2008. M.J. Edwards Funeral Home hosted the service, which was designed to provide “pleasant memories at a time when people experience the blues during the holidays.” See related story, photos in Religion, page 11. (Photo by Earl Stanback)

That’s not a question. It’s a cry for help, says renowned local grief counselor Dr. William M. Young, pastor of The Healing Center Full Gospel Baptist Church.  

The question – “How come God took my dad?” – was posed by a six-year-old boy during the question-and-answer portion of “A Service of Remembrance Candle Lighting Ceremony” hosted by M.J. Edwards Funeral Home on Dec. 11 in the auditorium at Airways Middle School, 2601 Ketchum.

Wendell Naylor, operations manager for M.J. Edwards, coordinated the service, which drew 1,100 individuals mourning the loss of 132 loved ones who passed on in 2008.  While most were clients of M.J. Edwards, other funeral homes were invited to submit names as well.

Wendell Naylor, operations manager for M.J. Edwards, coordinated the remembrance service, which drew 1,100 individuals mourning the loss of 132 loved ones who passed on in 2008.  While most were clients of M.J. Edwards, other funeral homes were invited to submit names as well. (Photos by Earl Stanback)

Eight members of the family of matriarch Ethel Mae Browning gathered at "A Service of Remembrance" Candle Lighting Ceremony on Dec. 11 at Airways Middle School. Attending were (l to r):  daughters Cynthia Oliver and Cassandra Harrison, neice Lene Boone, granddaughters Ashlee Oliver and Shardea Harrison, grandson Marquel Ellis, sister-in-law Yvonne Acey and son LaFaria Ellis.

Lashondra Dowdy (right), the high school sweetheart who was married to Carlos Dowdy for 10 years, and Carlos' brother Rodney Warner (left) are joined by god-nephew Damarious Parker at the candle lighting service on Dec. 11. Mrs. Dowdy said the event was "wonderful, just wonderful." Carlos Dowdy died unexpectedly on Sept. 20, 2008.

Family members registered as they entered the service so that the name of their family would be called. As each of the deceased was honored, families and friends lit their battery-operated candles in the darkened auditorium.

Many attendees wore T-shirts with the names and photos of their loved ones.

Family members registered as they entered so that the name of their family would be called. The candle lighting ceremony was held after Young’s speech and the Q & A session. As each of the deceased was honored, families and friends lit their battery-operated candles in the darkened auditorium.

This ritual – the calling of the name and the lighting of the candle – is a significant part of the grieving process, explained Young, who serves as bishop of Greater Fellowship Faith Tabernacle in Bolivar and The Healing Center Full Gospel Baptist Church in Memphis, divisions of Greater Fellowship Ministries, Inc.  

“The candle lighting service provides pleasant memories at a time when people experience the blues during the holidays,” said Young.

The author of “The Mourning: After,” Young shared a few of the important lessons learned from his ministry serving families dealing with loss.

“Grief is normal, natural and necessary,” he said. “It’s not only crying, it’s working through the four steps.” They are: (1) Accept the reality of the loss; keeping the clothes and geographical cures, getting away, do not work, (2) Experience the pain – you don’t get over it unless you feel it; (3) Learn to live without who or whatever you lost; (4) Reinvest energy into another living relationship.

Step four is the hardest for some people because they feel that they are dishonoring the dead.  That’s not the case, Young said, adding that grieving ultimately makes you stronger.

Some individuals who are unable to cry or ask for help may need permission to grieve, Young has found. “It is necessary to allow us to do it. Many people are sick now because they have not allowed themselves to grieve.”

Cases where a loved one’s death was unexpected, such as a suicide or homicide, may require special attention.  Even ex-spouses may require grief counseling because divorce can be separation without the burial, according to Young.  

Memphians who need special attention and support have a gathering place where they will be welcomed warmly. Dr. Young’s Grief Recovery Group meetings are held every Tuesday at 6 p.m. at The Healing Word Counseling Center, 3910 Tchulahoma Road, 901- 370-HOPE (4673).

Failure to grieve causes emotional and social problems in the African-American community. “Most of us don’t go to ‘no psychiatrist.’  As a race of people, we don’t get help so we act it out,” said Young, pointing to the number of homicides in Memphis.

M.J. Edwards sent out 1,260 invitations the week of Thanksgiving, the beginning of the holiday season when family members often gather and grief casts a long shadow over the normally joyful festivities.

Naylor said the service is a way to give back to the community and to help those families for whom death triggers emotions and challenges that disturb daily life. He said last year the funeral home paid for grief counseling for a few families in crisis.

Other program participants included staff members – Rev. David Craft, co-founder of M.J. Edwards and pastor of Simon Chapel #1 and #2 M.B. churches in Sardis, Miss., Rev. Callaway Bain, pastor of Mt. Olive M.B. Church in Horn Lake, Miss., Christine Hayes and Keith Reed – and soloists Gwen Turner and Christopher Williams.

Founded in 1980 by company president Monroe J. Edwards, Rev. Craft and Evelyn Cooper, M.J. Edwards Funeral Home now has locations in Orange Mound, Whitehaven and Bartlett.

“It was a very powerful and moving service,” said Young, founder of Emotional Fitness Center initiative (www.emotionalfitnesscenter.org).  “I commend Wendell Naylor and M.J. Edwards for doing this.”