I was walking through a downtown clothing store and couldn't help but overhear a loud conversation between two young female store clerks. They were discussing the situation of singers Chris Brown and Rihanna, where Brown is charged with physically abusing her during a domestic altercation.

One of the women said, "See, I know how to deal with that, and if he tried that with me, I'd bust his head down to the white meat."

Court records have disclosed the extent of the physical abuse to Rihanna, there is still only speculation as to why this happened, or even how. Almost immediately, Brown was roundly criticized and pilloried for hitting woman. He apologized, but to many, it is not enough. He is now a domestic abuser, and should go to jail, they say. Some of his many endorsements have been put on hold while the case winds its way through court. Even Rihanna is being criticized because, despite the allegations, she has taken Brown back and they are again a couple.

I am not one of those who preach that a man should never hit a woman. I don't think anyone should be putting his or her hands on anyone in a relationship. If you are coming to blows, you probably need a new mate.

I would rather that no man ever hit a woman, but it is not an absolute. I would instead say that a man should not hit a woman, but a man should protect himself. Sometimes the best defense is to make the attacker cease the attack. There is no glory in being rendered blind in one eye by a woman and then say, "Well, I didn't hit her."

One of the other problems with the statement that a man should never hit a woman is that increasingly, there are no men and women involved. In the case of Brown and Rihanna, Brown is 19. At that age, he and Rihanna were on their way "home" and the incident is characterized as "domestic violence." As events have evidenced, neither of them may be ready to constitute a household.

The violence is not surprising, even though Brown enjoyed a reputation as one of the good guys, a baby face who rarely employed the misogynistic lyrics that many of the other contemporary musical stars use. When I look a the lyrics of some of the hit songs, I see a pervasive atmosphere of "pimps, ho's and thugs." Rarely are there any lyrics that show any respect for women - girlfriends, sisters or mothers. Too many women are listening to those lyrics and dancing to the beat, while at the same time denying the songs objectify them. Even some of the Tyler Perry movies glorify "getting even" by dumping hot grits, or waving around a gun. Yeah, it's funny, but scary, too.

It is clear that the best way to avoid violence in a relationship is not to get into a relationship with someone with violent tendencies. Yes, Brown's clean-cut image probably hid those tendencies from the public, but I'm willing to bet this isn't the first time Rihanna had seen them.

No, violent men, or women, don't always wear a sign saying that they are violent. But sometimes, they do. Sometimes they have paperwork to certify their status.

If your boyfriend has a tattoo across his stomach saying, "Thug For Life," you can probably be sure he isn't going to change his behavior. If your boyfriend has done time for violent crime, he's probably not the person to invite into your home with your little children. If your girlfriend boasts about her ability to "bust you down to the white meat," boy, get out of that house. If your boyfriend is in a gang, or sells drugs, or uses drugs, you have put yourself in harm's way. If he doesn't treat you with respect, he probably won't respect your person either, and while he may not hit you, you may feel like he might. That's not a way to live.

I am not so much concerned with Rihanna and Chris. The court will handle it. I'm more concerned with a generation of men who think it is ok to hit, and a generation of women who say they won't put up with it, but still put themselves in the line of fire. With seven sisters, and a daughter, I have a vested interest in making sure young men, and young women know that it is not OK.

(Lou Ransom is Executive Editor of the Chicago Defender.)