Lots of Americans desperately want us to stop talking about race. That’s not surprising when you consider the tens of millions of horrible conversations we’ve had so far on this topic. Who wants more of a really bad thing?
When I was little my mother used to say, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Many dutiful sons and daughters religiously follow this advice – go along, to get along. While I understand this urge, this strategy sometimes lets the guilty off the hook and keeps the community from learning from mistakes.
Over the last few decades, a number of people have found political fortune and financial advantage singing in the “can’t we all just move on and leave this behind us” chorus? Among them are the folks who have persuaded us not to investigate Bush administration officials who have been accused of violating our rights and lying to us. (This is too painful for the nation, they explain to us.) Meanwhile, many low-performing CEOs in the mortgage industry hang onto their superstar bonuses by encouraging us to offer consumer financial education classes – instead of going after their jobs. (We must come together and focus on the needs of the consumers, they say, suggesting that if we don’t, then we are the bad guys.)
Unfortunately, this routine works best for rich people with friends in high places. It is not hard to imagine what a jury might decide in the case of a criminal defendant who said under oath, “ I would rather not talk about it. It’s too painful for me. I think our time here is better spent helping the victim.”
Great nations are measured in part by their collective capacity for confronting, discussing and learning from the most painful issues and challenges. The rise of the Nazis in Germany, the Holocaust and the citizens’ lack of forceful opposition to these wrongs are all each compulsory teaching matter at all levels of education in Germany. South African President Nelson Mandela became an architect of a period of reconciliation following the end to apartheid. In 1995, the Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC) embarked on a fact-finding mission so the truth and the horrors could emerge, and the nation could move forward.
So let’s recap. For a couple of decades we have been having conversations about race that haven’t moved us forward. What is the alternative, you ask? We simply decide to have deeper, more thoughtful conversations. We need dialogues that allow us to move beyond our sorrows. Every difficult conversation starts with a few simple rules.
1) Listen: Seek discussion of facts and new discoveries. Don’t shut down conversations by taking offense at language or feelings.
2) Ask open-ended questions to clarify another speaker’s position and promote discovery. Say: “I want to be certain that I understand your point. Am I restating your position correctly?”
3) Refrain from attaching labels to others. Use language that invites a response rather than an insult.
4) Seek to understand what other speakers intended to say. Try to focus on understanding the message not on the words they used.
6) When responding to opponents, you might say: “That’s an interesting take on the issue. However, I see it a bit differently. May I explain?”
7) After a speaker admits making a mistake and offers you an apology, move forward in the conversation.
(Linda S. Wallace can be reached at theculturalcoach@aol.com.)
